Joke Thread- Insert smile here

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by Kruten

It's a very secrety secret.

Hehe, looks like Nettles has got a little secret of his own

[Kruten]

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[Nettles]

Wow, that's Btw, what's this secret you speak of? Hehe, I'm an open book.

[Kruten]

Originally Posted by Nettles

Wow, that's Btw, what's this secret you speak of? Hehe, I'm an open book.

You can't handle the secretiness.

[Kruten]

Whoops, totally forgot about this.


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, I don't know - I thought you were watching."




The MORAL is: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[Mark620]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided
to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day
the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs.
Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've
made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs.
Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can
really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs.
Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd
be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out
a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on
the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my gosh!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were
crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened
in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than
three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually
chewed on your, eh......equipment ?".

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting
ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord,
she's fainted !!"

[Mark620]

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communique between a U.S.
NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland,
October 1995.

Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid
collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to
avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE
ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.

[Kruten]

The top one was funny as heck. The radio transmissions I've seen before, but still great.

[Drogla]

i nearly burst with laughter-all olf em are AWSOME

[Mark620]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping
out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer
ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman
was dead on their porch.